Updated: Mar 23, 2022
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For comedic purposes only.
Then vs. Now
Normal description to police when I was a kid:
Victim: “There were three of them. An Asian male, a white female and a black male. The white female was chunky and about 5’4” or so. The black male was tall and thin and about 6’. The Asian male was skinny and maybe 5’2”. I think he might have been deaf, he spoke like a deaf person speaks. The black guy had a gun, the white girl had a gun, and the Asian male had a knife. They got away with $200.00 I just took from the ATM and they stole my Jeep.”
WOKE description to the police:
Victim: “They were humans.”
Police: “Did anyone have any weapons?”
Victim: “I don’t want to insult, stereotype or offend anyone.”
Police: “Can you give a description, what was their build?”
Victim: “One was over-nourished, the other two were undernourished.”
Police: “What color eyes or hair.”
Victim: “Human eyes, human hair.”
Police: Can you give me a color?
Victim: “One had straight black hair, the other had curly black hair.”
Bystander who witnessed the event: “EXCUUUUUUUSE ME? Um, have you never seen an African American with straight blonde hair, not ever? How dare you lump them all together. You are a damn racist.”
Police: “So one of the culprits was from Africa? Did the person have an accent? What was the gender?”
Bystander who witnessed the event: “None of us know for sure, including YOU, if the person has decided on a gender yet. The audacity!”
Police: “How tall were they?”
Victim: “Shorter than me and taller than me.”
Police: “So there was more than one, correct?”
Victim: “They were a diverse group.”
Police: Anything special or distinct you can tell us, tattoos, birthmarks, speech, etc.
Victim: “One human might have been special.”
Police: "Did they assault you in any way or steal anything?"
Victim: “Assault is not a nice word. I wouldn’t want to spread hate. You get banned on Facebook for that word you know. They said they needed $200.00 and they held up influential instruments, but, no, they didn’t hurt me in any way. They took my keys and drove away with my vehicle.”
Police: “I’m sorry you were the victim of this crime. We will do everything possible to apprehend the culprits. Of course, before we finish our paperwork they will be out on the streets again, sans bail requirement, but we will work hard to catch them, I promise.”
Victim, I mean survivor: “I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.”
Police: Picks up radio. “We are looking for humans in a vehicle.”
Police enter their vehicle. Police officer 1, ready for retirement, says to Rookie Police officer 2 who had been silently observing the whole time - “Ten minutes left on our shift, want to grab a donut?”
Police officer 2: “I’m reporting you for stereotyping and disrespectful behavior. I’ll make sure you NEVER see your pension. Police eat more than donuts. I for one happen to love cupcakes. I’m extremely offended. I demand a public apology”
Police officer 1: Pushes police officer 2 out of moving vehicle. “Screw this, today’s my last day. I’m off to Florida tomorrow!”
Police officer 1 at his retirement party that night. “Yes, what an unfortunate accident that Rookie had, so anxious for her first day on the job, didn’t even wait for me to stop before jumping out to interview the victim.”
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